Davy's Adult Madhouse: 06/25/11

TWENTY FIRST CENTURY LIVING

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7 Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You reading this email with your hand on the mouse all the time.

12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list

AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.

BORED HUSBAND

This is a true report.
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and
preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like
most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the
following letter from the local Walmart.
Dear Mrs. Samuel,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in
our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban
both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr.
Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance
cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee
to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her
Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing
management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on
layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying
and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were
called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were..
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly
humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look'
by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least:
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of
the clerks passed out.

WHAT WOMEN REALLY MEAN

1.) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4.) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

8.) Whatever : Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!

9.) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.Then you RUN!

CULTURAL DIFFERENCES

On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of South
Pacific, the following people are stranded:
* Two Italian men and one Italian woman.
* Two French men and one French woman.
* Two German men and one German woman.
* Two Greek men and one Greek woman.
* Two British men and one British woman.
* Two Polish men and one Polish woman.
* Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman.
* Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman.
* Two Irish men and one Irish woman.
* Two American men and one American woman.

One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the
middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
* One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
* The two French men and the French woman are living happily together
in a menage a trois.
* The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating
visits with the German woman.
* The two Greek men are sleeping together and the Greek woman is
cooking and cleaning for them.
* The two British men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the
British woman.
* The two Polish men took one look at the Polish woman and started
swimming to another island.
* The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
* The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, liquor store,
restaurant, and laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order
to supply more employees for their stores.
* The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up
a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it
gets somewhat foggy after a few pints of coconut whisky. However, they
are satisfied because the British are not having any fun..
* The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American
woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the
true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she
can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfilment, the equal
division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look
fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her
nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the
root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a damn cell
phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this
forsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can
get her nails done and go shopping.