CULTURAL NEWS OF THE DAY

After a two year loan to the United States, Michelangelo's David is being returned to Italy.

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ANAGRAM CONNECTIONS

DORMITORY: DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN: BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER: MOON STARER

DESPERATION: A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES: THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH: HE BUGS GORE
 
THE MORSE COD: HERE COME DOTS

CASH LOST IN ME

FARTING OLD GIT

Did Phillip fart?

..and he probably does all the time. What the heck, he's almost ninety, 

and at that age you don't hold anything back even if you wanted to!

The really important question?

Did Philip Fart?

What do you think?

 

 

 

 

                                            The expressions are priceless!

THE CHILDS BIBLE IN A NUTSHELL

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one,' but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.
Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.....Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil
Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David.. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.
There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New Testament.. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans.
Jesus also had twelve opossums.The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.
But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus had a party and made a lot of wine for his friends which puzzeld his mom and he woke up this dead guy Lazarus who was not in very good shape. Later he died for our mistakes, but then came back to life again to prove he really wasn't dead. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

BEST FRIENDS

Stop hounding me you big ape! The unlikely friendship between an orangutan and a dog

By Daily Mail Reporter

They make an unlikely duo. But after meeting at a reserve for endangered animals, Suryia the orangutan and Roscoe the Bluetick hound have become inseparable.
And now the pals have released a picture book capturing their unorthodox friendship.
The best friends were besieged by young fans as they held their own signing for the new release at a bookstore in Georgetown, South Carolina.

In one photo, a stubborn Roscoe refuses to eat a banana offered by his friend.
Another shows Suryia in a life jacket closely watching over Roscoe as he goes for a doggie-paddle.
And, as if posing for holiday snaps, they are also captured taking walks through the gardens and posing in front of an elephant.

The friends have garnered worldwide media attention, appearing in the National Geographic magazine and on the Oprah Winfrey and Ellen DeGeneres shows in the U.S.

They met four years ago when Roscoe followed staff from The Institute of Greatly Endangered and Rare Species (TIGERS) in Myrtle Beach as they      walked home.

He was immediately spotted by the orangutan, who ambled over to make friends.
Dr Bhagavan Antle, the reserve's founder, said: 'Roscoe looked really thin and a little lost so we fed him and took care of him.

'He followed us through the gate and ran over and found Suryia. As soon as he saw Roscoe, Suryia ran over to him and they started playing.
'Dogs are usually scared of primates, but they took to each other straight away. We made a few calls to see if he belonged to anyone and when no one came forward, Roscoe ended up staying.'

 Suryia And Roscoe, by Dr Antle, Thea Feldman and photographer Barry Bland, on sale for £10.49.

WORDS TO THE WISE

Ø   Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. 
Ø   Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.  
Ø   The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on the list.  
Ø   Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 
Ø  If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong. 
Ø   We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.    
Ø   War does not determine who is right - only who is left. 
Ø   Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.  
Ø   The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 
Ø   Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.     
Ø   To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; To steal from many is research. 
Ø   A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station. 
Ø   How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?  
Ø   Some people are like Slinkies ... Not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.     
Ø   Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.  
Ø  I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.  
Ø   A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.  
Ø   Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".  
Ø   I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.  
Ø  I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"  
Ø   Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?  
Ø  Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. 
Ø   Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ? 
Ø   Behind every successful man is his woman; behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.  
Ø   A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.  

FAKING IT

I'M COMING

OMG!!!

                                            Brilliant parody of Ushers OMG

FUNNY FACECHANGES